I’m wondering was it you who created the ‘5 Stages of Grief’? Have you ever heard about 'the 5 stages of Grief'? (Of course you have – you know everything don’t you, after all, You are God!
I think I am going through ‘a stage’. Apparently (so I’ve read) there are 5 stages to Grief, and they are : Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Denial. I’d heard about it, read a little bit about it, but I was in denial about the 'denial' stage, and I thought I'd never get to the point of 'anger' because it just didn’t seem 'right', to be angry.
How could I be angry with the man I loved the most in my life?
Bargaining? What the hell have I got to bargain with or to? I still don’t yet understand that stage. Maybe it’s yet to come. Am I supposed to bargain with God? Or the Devil?
Depression. Something I never really felt I suffered from. I have always been able to find the positive in life, yet lately I feel like I’ve sunk into a deep, deep hole. How did that happen when I felt like I was coasting along OK?
Acceptance – yes as I am now into ‘the 2nd year’ I feel I am a little more into the ‘acceptance’ stage, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Accepting that he’s never coming back. Ever. How do I do that?
The last few weeks at home have been extraordinarily sad, lonely and yes even feelings of depression have overwhelmed me. How do I get out of this?
I am so so soooo bloody sad and so incredibly lonely. Oh my God I miss the company of my darling. The comfortable silences as well as the conversations and the companionship.
And I miss the regular phone calls to my Dad too, and the visits and the conversations we had. Particularly in the last 6 years after Mum died and even more so over the last 3 years when I had the chance to visit, usually fortnightly but it became weekly with Ken’s treatment taking us to the nearby hospital. I enjoyed those times Dad and I shared, and often it felt like a little ‘counselling session’ with Dad, to be able to talk about share my worries about Ken’s health and our future. To have now lost Dad too feels like a double whammy.
Why is it that after 5 years I have a sense of calm and acceptance that my darling sister has gone. I miss her, just as I miss my beautiful loving Mum, but I have somehow come to a place of peace with both of them.
But my husband? How the hell can that be? And even at 99 ½ , to no longer have my Dad to chat to, especially since I became a Widow. Sometimes it all feels so unfair.
My little old house is beautiful, and I am so glad we found it together, and that when Ken died he was here, in the peace and comfort of our home. But it’s lonely. I’m sad. I love my caravan yet it’s a caravan I have now because the one we had was ‘ours’ and way too big just for me. This new one is wonderful, and an expression of me. Yet still I am sad.
The house is quiet. No company. No conversation. I can play music or turn on the TV or simply live in the silence (which is usually the case), but none of it seems to comfort me because my heart aches and I can’t see how it can change.
So lonely I even contemplated joining a dating site! Good Grief! (no pun intended). I don’t want to ‘date’ anyone! I just want to have company. Male company would be nice. But company of any sort would be good.
Everyone I know seems to be a couple, a young family or even if they’re single they all seem to be busy with their own life, their work, their kids, and doing their own thing. And that’s OK for them to be like that but for me it just accentuates the loneliness.
Dear God please let me find a way to climb out of this deep dark horrible hole I feel that I am in right now.
Thank you for listening xx