"Home" - yes it's nice to be here - I do LOVE our house. I'm not sure that I was at a point of 'missing' it, but it's still nice to be back here, in our home.
Well, at least, it was for the first hour or so - then reality hit me once again. I'm here. He's not. Never gonna be again. Just ashes, photos and memories. And the tears came. In sobs. And I realised that I haven't cried in over 10 days. Apart from a small 'teary moment' once or twice alone in my van in the evening, but not a proper cry. So I guess the tears had to come sooner or later?
Being in the van seemed to make it easier. In fact, being anywhere 'doing' makes it easier. Being here at home, as nice and as comfortable as it is, it is also lonely.
My phone doesn't ring (but then it didn't ring all that much when I was away either!), but now I notice the solitude as well as the loneliness here at home.
Oh Man! We had it so good, for so long - did we realise that? I think we did but it took a friggen' crappy, awful disease to appreciate just how deep our love was and how little time we had - and then we talked and wondered 'what will it be like?'
Well I have to tell you Ken "it sucks! I don't want anyone else but YOU. I want your hugs and your kisses and your funny comments and your gorgeous smile, and your big cuddly body that I fitted into so well; moulded into your body with my head in your chest. Oh God I miss that"
But..... he doesn't answer.
It's just me. Sad. Here alone. 12 months and ......... actually, it's 13 months. 13 months today. And I know you're never coming back Ken. How I wish I could join you! (and I know I cant - it's not my time yet). I love you.
I miss you. And writing helps - but I wish you could read this Kenny Luv. And I wish you could reply ! xxx